Hello beautiful humans,
I’m excited to dive into something that has completely transformed how I understand children’s behavior (and honestly, my own too!) – the Polyvagal Theory.
Now before your eyes glaze over at that science-y sounding term, let me tell you – understanding this has been like finding the missing instruction manual for human behavior.
So,What’s This Polyvagal Thing All About?
At its heart, Polyvagal Theory (developed by Dr. Stephen Porges) helps us understand that our bodies are constantly, unconsciously scanning our environments for signs of safety or danger. And depending on what our nervous systems detect, we shift into different biological states that change everything about how we feel, think, and behave.
Think of your nervous system (and your child’s) as having three main “settings” or states:
- The “Connected” State (Ventral Vagal)
This is where we all do our best living! When we feel safe and connected, our bodies are:
- Calm but energized
- Socially engaged (making eye contact, listening well)
- Creative and playful
- Able to think clearly and solve problems
- Capable of feeling and expressing a full range of emotions
I like to think of this as our “learning and growing” state. It’s when your child is happily playing, curious about the world, and able to recover easily from small upsets. This is also the state where our best parenting shines.
- The “Activated” State (Sympathetic – Fight/Flight)
When our nervous system detects a potential threat, it mobilizes us for action:
- Heart rate increases
- Muscles tense
- Breathing quickens
- We become hyper-focused on the “threat”
- Thinking narrows to survival concerns
This might look like your child becoming suddenly hyperactive, defiant, anxious, controlling, or having a full-blown tantrum. Their body is literally preparing to fight or flee from danger (even if that “danger” is just the wrong color cup or a change in plans!).
- The “Shutdown” State (Dorsal Vagal)
When fight/flight isn’t working or doesn’t feel safe, our bodies can shift into a protective shutdown:
- Energy drops dramatically
- Facial expression becomes flat
- Voice gets quiet or disappears
- Body feels heavy or disconnected
- Decision making is really hard
You might see this when your child goes silent, seems “zoned out,” becomes extremely clingy, or says “I don’t know” to everything. Their system has temporarily gone offline to protect them from feeling overwhelmed.
Why This Changes Everything
Here’s the beautiful reality shift that comes with understanding Polyvagal Theory: those challenging behaviors aren’t your child being “difficult” – they’re your child’s nervous system doing exactly what it’s designed to do to keep them safe!
That meltdown over the wrong snack? It’s not about the snack – it’s about a nervous system that’s detected some kind of threat and is responding accordingly.
That shutdown when you ask about their day? Not defiance – it’s protection when feeling overwhelmed.
Understanding this has helped me move from frustration to curiosity. Instead of “Why won’t they listen?!” I can wonder “What’s happening in their nervous system right now?”
This blog’s Invitation: Nervous System Detective
I invite you to become a gentle detective of nervous system states:
- Notice which state your child moves through during different parts of the day
- When do they seem most connected and engaged?
- When do you notice signs of fight/flight (faster movements, louder voice)?
- When do you see signs of shutdown (withdrawal, lack of eye contact)?
- Get curious about what might have influenced these shifts
- Environmental factors (noise, crowds, hunger, tiredness)
- Relational factors (conflict, new people, feeling misunderstood)
- Sensory experiences (textures, sounds, visual input)
- And most importantly – notice your own states too!
- When do you feel connected and present?
- What triggers your fight/flight responses with your child?
- When do you notice yourself shutting down?
Simply observing with compassion is the first step in this journey. No need to fix or change anything yet – just notice.
I’d love to hear what you discover! What patterns are you noticing in your child’s nervous system responses? And equally important – what about your own?
Feel free to share your experience in the comments below or in our Kavana Facebook community.
Remember, these states are fluid and constantly shifting throughout our day – that’s completely normal! The goal isn’t to stay in the connected state 24/7 (impossible!), but to understand these movements and gradually build more flexibility and resilience in our nervous systems.
