Hello beautiful humans,
I’ve been thinking about you all this week and wondering how your co-regulation experiments have been going. If you’ve had some wobbly moments (and who hasn’t?), today’s blog is especially for you.
Let’s be honest – understanding co-regulation in theory and actually living it when your child is having a meltdown are two entirely different things! So today, I want to share some real stories from real parents (with names changed, of course) who are figuring this out alongside you.
The Morning Rush: When Time Pressure Meets Big Feelings
I remember working with Sarah and her son Jacob, who had developed an impressive talent for staging clothing protests exactly when they needed to leave for school. One particular morning, after Jacob had thrown his clothes across the room declaring he “HATED school,” Sarah felt that familiar tightness in her chest and the clock ticking loudly in her mind.
Instead of falling into their usual power struggle, Sarah tried something different:
“I took a deep breath first – which honestly felt impossible in that moment, but I knew I needed to start with me,” she told me later. “Then I just sat near him without grabbing the clothes or making demands. I said something like ‘Mornings can be really hard sometimes” and waited.
What happened next surprised her. Jacob looked up, seemingly startled by this new response. Sarah continued, “I asked if he wanted a quick hug before we figured out clothes, and he practically fell into my arms. Then I offered him a choice between two shirts, and mentioned we’d listen to his favorite song in the car.”
Were they still late? Yes. But as Sarah noted, “We were going to be late anyway. This way, we both arrived at school/work without feeling like we’d been through an emotional tornado.” Does this approach work every single time? Maybe not; however, when Sarah focused on connection over compliance, Jacob experienced being seen and heard in a way that allowed him to move forward.
The Playground Moment: When Everyone Is Watching
Another parent, Michael, shared a story about his daughter Zara that might sound familiar. After another child took “her” swing at the park, Zara responded by hitting and then trying to run away while Michael felt every parent’s eyes on him.
“In the past, I would have been so focused on showing everyone I was ‘handling it’ that I would have made everything worse,” Michael reflected. “This time, I just got down at her level, used a calm voice, and said ‘You’re having big feelings. I’m here.'”
Michael didn’t try to force an immediate apology or lecture about hitting. Instead, he created a small boundary by having them sit on a nearby bench together until Zara’s breathing slowed down. Only then did they talk about the swing and what happened.
“The most amazing part,” Michael said, “was that once she felt understood, she actually wanted to make things right with the other child. The apology was her idea, not my demand.”
The Question I Hear Most Often
“But if I respond with connection when my child is acting out, aren’t I rewarding bad behavior?”
I understand this worry deeply. We’ve all been taught that certain behaviors need immediate consequences or children will never learn. But here’s what I’ve observed in my years working with families (and through my own parenting moments):
When we respond to the emotional need beneath the behavior, we’re not reinforcing the behavior itself. We’re actually creating the neurological conditions necessary for learning better behaviors.
Think of it this way: When someone is hungry, we feed them first before trying to teach them about nutrition. Your co-regulation is that essential nourishment; the teaching comes later when their brain is ready to receive it.
This blog’s invitation: The Art of Repair
None of us get this right all the time. I certainly don’t! So, this week, I invite you to practice the beautiful art of repair after difficult moments:
- Wait until both you and your child have returned to a calmer state
- Reconnect physically if welcomed (a hand on the shoulder, a gentle hug)
- Acknowledge what happened: “We had a hard time earlier”
- Reassure them of your unconditional care: “I love you even when we have tough moments”
- If appropriate, briefly explore what might help next time: “What do you think you needed in that moment?”
These repair moments aren’t just damage control – they’re actually golden opportunities for connection and learning. They show our children that relationships can withstand difficult emotions and come back stronger.
I’d love to hear your stories – both the messy moments and the small victories. What’s been most challenging? What tiny shifts have you noticed? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below or in our Kavana Facebook community.
I’d love to hear your stories – both the messy moments and the small victories. What’s been most challenging? What tiny shifts have you noticed? Reply to this email or share in our Kavana Facebook community.
A little mantra that’s carried me through countless challenging parenting moments: “This is temporary, and we both need the same thing – to feel safe and connected.” Sometimes just remembering this common ground helps me find my center again.
