Hello beautiful humans,
Over the past blogs, we’ve explored the basic framework of Polyvagal Theory and learned to recognize different nervous system states in ourselves and our children. This week, we’re putting this knowledge into action with practical strategies for those challenging real-life moments.
Because understanding these states is helpful, and knowing how to navigate them when they’re happening? That’s where the magic lives.
Real-Life Polyvagal Parenting
Let me share a story from my own home that illustrates this perfectly. My 11-year-old daughter was scheduled for oral surgery that required being under anesthesia. In the nights leading up to the procedure, her nervous system shifted dramatically into fight/flight – she became defiant, insisting she wasn’t going, engaging in impulsive behavior, back talk, even throwing things, with a persistent “I’m not going” attitude.
Through a polyvagal lens, I could see this wasn’t about defiance – it was her nervous system detecting a threat (the upcoming unknown medical procedure) and mobilizing to protect her.
Instead of meeting her activation with my own (so tempting in these moments!), I:
- Took a deep breath first (self-regulation always comes first)
- Spoke in a calm, slow voice
- Put my arms around her and acknowledged what I was seeing: “I know. You don’t want to go. I can see that you’re feeling nervous and scared.”
- Offered connection: “Would you like a hug right now?”
- Created safety through our relationship
Within minutes, her entire demeanor transformed – her tone softened, her body relaxed, she snuggled deep into my arms and quietly revealed the real fear beneath the behavior: “I’m scared I’m going to wake up during surgery.”
That vulnerable truth could only emerge once her nervous system detected enough safety to move out of defensive protection. What looked like defiance was fear, and what she needed wasn’t discipline but connection.
State-Specific Strategies
What I’ve learned is that different nervous system states need different types of support. Here’s a toolkit of strategies for each state:
For Fight/Flight States (Sympathetic Activation):
When your child is in this activated, defensive state, try:
Environment Adjustments:
- Reduce sensory input (lower lights, decrease noise)
- Create more physical space if needed
- Remove unnecessary demands or choices
- Provide a clear, simple path forward
Connection Approaches:
- Use a calm voice
- Keep language simple and concrete
- Acknowledge the feeling without trying to fix it
- Offer physical grounding if welcomed (hand on shoulder, weighted blanket)
- Provide regulated movement options (jumping, wall pushes, squeezes)
What to Avoid:
- Complex explanations or reasoning
- Multiple questions or choices
- Threats or consequences
- Trying to teach lessons in the heat of the moment
Remember, in fight/flight, your child’s thinking brain is temporarily offline. Approaching with multiple questions, explanations, or reasoning can be experienced as demands – the act of requiring their thinking brand to respond, listen, and/or make sense of things. Your calm presence and simple, consistent response can help their system find safety so they can gradually return to a more regulated state.
For Shutdown States (Dorsal Vagal):
When your child is in this disconnected, withdrawn state, try:
Environment Adjustments:
- Create a protective, cozy space
- Use soft lighting and gentle sounds
- Reduce social demands
- Slow down the pace of everything
Connection Approaches:
- Maintain gentle presence without demands
- Use a soft, warm tone of voice
- Offer sensory comforts (soft blankets, favorite stuffed animal)
- Provide small, manageable tasks if they seem ready
- Use side-by-side positioning rather than face-to-face
What to Avoid:
- Pressuring for responses or engagement
- Bright lights or loud environments
- Too many questions or verbal demands
- Rushing or creating time pressure
In shutdown, your child’s system needs gentle invitation back to connection, not pushing or pulling. Patience and predictability create the safety needed for their system to gradually re-engage.
Creating Environmental Supports for Regulation
Beyond in-the-moment responses, we can create environments that support nervous system regulation:
At Home:
- Designate a cozy “calming corner” with sensory tools
- Create visual schedules to increase predictability
- Establish consistent routines for transitions
- Include regular movement and nature time
- Reduce unnecessary sensory stimulation
On the Go:
- Bring small sensory tools (stress ball, fidget, worry stone)
- Create a visual schedule for outings
- Plan for transition time between activities
- Pack regulatory supports (snacks, water, comfort item)
- Have a “regulation exit plan” for overwhelming situations
This blog’s Practice: Creating Safety Anchors
I invite you to develop “safety anchors” for different nervous system states:
- For Fight/Flight States: Create a simple physical regulation activity you can use together during activation, like:
- “Dragon breaths” (big inhale, powerful exhale)
- Wall pushes (pressing hands against wall for proprioceptive input)
- “Weather report” (naming physical sensations like a meteorologist)
- For Shutdown States: Develop a gentle re-engagement ritual, such as:
- A special blanket or stuffed animal that offers comfort
- A specific song hummed softly together
- A simple side-by-side activity that requires minimal engagement
Practice these during relatively calm times first (to build some body memory), then gradually introduce them during milder versions of these states.
Remember, this isn’t about having a perfect response to every situation – it’s about gradually expanding your toolkit and your child’s resources for navigating these natural nervous system states.
I’d love to hear what safety anchors you create or what strategies have already been working in your family. Leave a comment below or share in our Kavana Facebook community.
A reminder that has helped me countless times: When your child is dysregulated, connection is the intervention, not the reward they get after calming down. That warm, steady presence is the medicine their nervous system needs to find its way back to balance.
