Hello beautiful humans,
How did your nervous system detective work go last blog? I’ve loved hearing from some of you about the patterns you’re beginning to notice in yourselves and your children. This awareness is such an important first step!
This blog, we’re diving deeper into understanding the language of the nervous system – those physical and behavioral clues that tell us which state someone is operating from. Because once we can accurately “read” these states, we can respond in ways that actually help rather than inadvertently making things worse.
The Secret Language of the Body
Have you ever wished your child came with a manual? Well, their body is actually giving you clues all the time! Learning to read these signals takes some time, especially when it requires us to slow down and practice observing – at first it can seem exhausting to practice noticing everything, then over time, patterns start to emerge, and one day you’ll realize you can start to spot early signs of dysregulation.
Here’s are some nervous system translation clues:
Signs of Safety & Connection (Ventral Vagal)
- Bright, soft eyes with natural eye contact
- Relaxed facial muscles, especially around the eyes and jaw
- Steady, rhythmic breathing
- Voice has melodic quality with natural inflection
- Appropriate facial expressions that match the situation
- Flexible thinking and ability to problem-solve
- Curious and engaged with surroundings
- Can recover relatively quickly from small disappointments
When your child is in this state, you might notice they play contentedly, decision making is easy, transition between activities with relative ease, and can listen and respond to your communication.
Signs of Fight/Flight (Sympathetic Activation)
- Rapid movements or speech, fidgeting
- Widened eyes, larger pupils
- Quick, shallow breathing (or holding breath)
- Flushed cheeks or face (sometimes pale instead)
- Voice gets louder, higher, or more insistent
- Exaggerated gestures or movements
- Difficulty hearing or processing what you’re saying
- Body seems charged with excess energy
- Complaints about physical sensations (heart racing, stomach hurting)
This might look like your child becoming suddenly hyperactive, defiant, anxious, controlling, or having a full-blown tantrum. Their body is literally preparing to fight or flee from danger (even if that “danger” is just the wrong color cup or a change in plans!).
Signs of Shutdown (Dorsal Vagal)
- “Nobody’s home” facial expression
- Slumped posture, heavy body
- Slow, delayed, or flat responses
- Pale or slightly grayish skin tone
- Eyes appear dull, heavy, or “glazed over”
- Voice becomes quieter or monotone
- Withdrawing physically or emotionally
- Saying “I don’t know” to everything
- Appearing sleepy or lethargic when it’s not sleep time
You might see this after an overwhelming day, during transitions to new environments, when asked to recall difficult experiences, or sometimes after a big meltdown.
Your Child’s Unique Nervous System Language
While these general signs apply broadly, each child has their own unique way of expressing these states. My invitation to you this week is to start creating your child’s personal “nervous system dictionary.”
For example, one mom I worked with noticed her son always started clearing his throat repeatedly before moving into fight/flight. Another parent realized their daughter’s tell-tale sign of approaching shutdown was when she started pacing the room unsure of what to do. A tween mom shared that when her child’s tone of voice changed to more curt and irritable, she knew that her child’s capacity for flexible thinking was declining rapidly.
These personalized cues become your early warning system, giving you a chance to offer support before the state intensifies.
When States Collide: Emotional Contagion
One of the most fascinating (and challenging!) aspects of nervous system states is how contagious they are. Our systems are constantly influencing each other through a process neuroscientists call “co-regulation.”
Have you noticed how quickly your child’s agitation can trigger your own irritation? Or how your anxiety seems to amplify theirs? This isn’t coincidence or weak boundaries – it’s your nervous systems doing exactly what they’re designed to do: communicate with and influence each other.
This connection works in supportive ways too! Your calm can literally help their system find balance… if you can maintain it in the face of their dysregulation (which, let’s be honest, is often the challenging part).
This Week’s Practice: Meet-Match-Move
When you notice your child’s early signs of shifting into fight/flight or shutdown this week, try this three-step dance:
1. MEET them where they are
Acknowledge their state without trying to change it immediately: “I notice your body is getting really bouncy right now” “Looks like your energy is going down – your voice got very quiet”.
2. MATCH their state briefly (not their behavior, but their energy level)
For Fight/Flight: Use slightly more animated expressions and energetic voice (while staying regulated yourself) For Shutdown: Slow your pace, soften your voice, simplify your language, reduce demands.
3. MOVE gradually toward regulation
Slowly bring your energy to a calmer state, inviting their system to follow yours Add supportive regulation strategies (deep breaths, movement, sensory tools) Create safety through predictability and connection.
Remember, you’re not trying to immediately FIX their state – you’re being the compassionate anchor that helps them navigate through it. Meeting and matching first helps them feel seen and understood before you guide them toward regulation.
This blog’s Invitation: Nervous System Detective
I invite you to become a gentle detective of nervous system states:
- Notice which state your child moves through during different parts of the day
- When do they seem most connected and engaged?
- When do you notice signs of fight/flight (faster movements, louder voice)?
- When do you see signs of shutdown (withdrawal, lack of eye contact)?
- Get curious about what might have influenced these shifts
- Environmental factors (noise, crowds, hunger, tiredness)
- Relational factors (conflict, new people, feeling misunderstood)
- Sensory experiences (textures, sounds, visual input)
- And most importantly – notice your own states too!
- When do you feel connected and present?
- What triggers your fight/flight responses with your child?
- When do you notice yourself shutting down?
Simply observing with compassion is the first step in this journey. No need to fix or change anything yet – just notice.
I’d love to hear what you discover about your child’s unique nervous system language! What subtle cues have you started to notice? Which states seem most frequent or challenging in your home? Feel free to share your experience in the comments below or in our Kavana Facebook community.
A helpful reminder I often share with parents: These states aren’t good or bad – they’re adaptive responses that have helped your child’s nervous system survive and protect them. Our goal isn’t to eliminate fight/flight or shutdown (impossible!), but to build flexibility so they can move through these states when needed and find their way back to connection.
