When our regulation shapes our children's world

A powerful moment of awareness struck me during carpool duty last week. As I listened to my daughter and her friends talk in the backseat, they shared a story that stopped me in my tracks. They were describing an adult’s response to a child’s “disrespectful” behavior. “I’m not scared of him,” one child said, “but he was really scary to look at.”

That sentence landed heavy in my heart – not just as a therapist, but as a parent. How many times have I felt my own nervous system becoming overwhelmed by my child’s behavior? How often have I caught myself expecting my child to regulate their emotions so I could maintain my calm?

The irony is profound, isn’t it? When we expect our children to manage their big feelings so we can stay regulated, we’ve got it backwards. Our nervous systems are meant to be their anchor, providing that steady, safe presence that helps them feel secure enough to express their emotions and grow through challenges.

This reminds me of something I often share with parents: regulation isn’t about controlling behavior – either ours or our children’s. It’s about understanding our own triggers and responses so we can show up as the steady, supportive presence our children need, especially during those challenging moments at home.

Remember, this isn’t about judgement – we all have moments when our nervous system gets the better of us (I certainly do!).
It’s about awareness and the opportunity to choose a different response next time.

When our regulation shapes our children’s world

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